Rylee Attard

I want you to see me but I don’t want intimacy 

This means into me you see

I’m not ready for vulnerability

You are more than welcome to look through the windows of my house and are welcome in my living room, but I will not let you into my bedroom

For it’s far too messy

And it’s not cared for

The only time I spend here is when I sleep

I do not spend enough time in this place to clean up the mess

It’s this act of running

Running from what has hurt me

Running from connection

But I want it

But I don’t, not if it means what it has before

I’m not ready to be burned 

I’m over people running from me, so I guess that’s my cue to keep running 

Running from connection

From intimacy

From being seen

This is so lonely

I feel so far

From myself 

From Him

From them all

I keep hearing the knock at my door

I’m choosing to ignore it but it’s getting harder

It won’t stop

It’s getting louder

I open the door slowly expecting a monster to be on the other side

But it was no monster

It was a smiling face

It was Gabby

It was Alex and Michael 

It was Madi

It was Faith, Michael, Ra and Avalon

It was Josiah and Iz 

It was family

We stayed in the living room for a while

And made our way to the kitchen

And the bathroom and the dining room table

Until it came

Time to walk into the bedroom

We walked, together

I bowed my head in shame

Ashamed of the way it was

They way it looked

But I looked at them

I saw it on their face 

Encouragement started flowing out of them

More than I knew how to accept

I was terrified to let them in, in fear that they would run 

And they loved it 

They loved my decorations 

They loved my bed set

They loved my clothes and my dresser and my closet

And they helped me pick up my floor

And make my bed

And do my laundry 

And vacuum

All the while full of joy

I’ve never felt so far from running

I’m staying

I’m grounding

I’m choosing to be seen

I’m choosing yes

Maybe intimacy isn’t so scary after all

Maybe it’s time to just be me

Rylee Attard is currently attending discipleship school in Northern California, a journey which has caused much self-discovery, and instilled a longing to create. Creative expression has become an avenue for her to realize her value, and celebrate the fact that she was born to be brave.
Photos by Rylee Attard