Connection
Rylee Attard
I want you to see me but I don’t want intimacy
This means into me you see
I’m not ready for vulnerability
You are more than welcome to look through the windows of my house and are welcome in my living room, but I will not let you into my bedroom
For it’s far too messy
And it’s not cared for
The only time I spend here is when I sleep
I do not spend enough time in this place to clean up the mess
It’s this act of running
Running from what has hurt me
Running from connection
But I want it
But I don’t, not if it means what it has before
I’m not ready to be burned
I’m over people running from me, so I guess that’s my cue to keep running
Running from connection
From intimacy
From being seen
This is so lonely
I feel so far
From myself
From Him
From them all
I keep hearing the knock at my door
I’m choosing to ignore it but it’s getting harder
It won’t stop
It’s getting louder
I open the door slowly expecting a monster to be on the other side
But it was no monster
It was a smiling face
It was Gabby
It was Alex and Michael
It was Madi
It was Faith, Michael, Ra and Avalon
It was Josiah and Iz
It was family
We stayed in the living room for a while
And made our way to the kitchen
And the bathroom and the dining room table
Until it came
Time to walk into the bedroom
We walked, together
I bowed my head in shame
Ashamed of the way it was
They way it looked
But I looked at them
I saw it on their face
Encouragement started flowing out of them
More than I knew how to accept
I was terrified to let them in, in fear that they would run
And they loved it
They loved my decorations
They loved my bed set
They loved my clothes and my dresser and my closet
And they helped me pick up my floor
And make my bed
And do my laundry
And vacuum
All the while full of joy
I’ve never felt so far from running
I’m staying
I’m grounding
I’m choosing to be seen
I’m choosing yes
Maybe intimacy isn’t so scary after all
Maybe it’s time to just be me
Rylee Attard is currently attending discipleship school in Northern California, a journey which has caused much self-discovery, and instilled a longing to create. Creative expression has become an avenue for her to realize her value, and celebrate the fact that she was born to be brave.
Photos by Rylee Attard